Trouble Finding Happiness (Part 1)

Subconscious Me:
I’m tired of fighting.
I’m tired of being expressive when I feel like I can’t win with anything I touch.
God, I am fed up with the people you have placed in my life.
I don’t know what more I can say about this guy, claiming of wanting to be in my life and making an impressive difference.
Don’t get me wrong, that man is not all that good.
He is quite terrible with a delicious taste in food. However, I don’t know if I should still bend over backward and help him change to be better.

Other Me:
Okay, well before you throw in the towel, what good have they done for you so far?

Subconscious Me:
As far as I know of… As far as I know of, he helped me gain a voice. He feeds me food, and if it is not about anything emotional, he makes me laugh. Kind of like having that temporary high that people would get when taking hallucinations or smoke a lot of unhealthy things. He is my temporary high, and I like it. It’s just the fall is what I don’t like.

Other Me:
Describe the fall.

Subconscious Me:
The fall is terrible. Reality comes back and hurts me all over again. Being the kind of individual I am, always being challenged as a woman, the fall is not a sweet experience that people imagine it to be. Sometimes I wish I could fall less, so I can stand up for myself more without being aggressive, or viewed as unstable. Every day I feel like he doesn’t see the mental pain I’m going through, or hear how hard it is for me to voice anything. I know my words are not perfect, but I’m very sad since I’m still searching for happiness…. And now being pregnant is adding extra stress to me. I don’t know if I should give this child away or if I should continue to fight.

Other Me:
Don’t punish the child for your unhappiness, firstly. Secondly, he probably does understand you, but do you know yourself? The reason why I mention such a trivial question because you focus too much on what’s inside of your head, rather than the outcomes of your actions. Now granted, he can do a lot better as it pertains to being sensitive and intuitive with your emotions and how to handle it properly. It doesn’t help to call someone an asshole, but demand similar respect when the shoe is on the other foot. However, be the bigger person and stop catering to his wants. Instead, focus on what is needed to be handled and leave everything alone. Some things do not need to be mention until after the fact.
For example, he understands that you are starting school soon. And eventually, he will have to comply with your schedule, just as much as you would to his. Don’t tell him extra information that is not needed. He has already made it clear before to do what you need to do. Take his advice and do it. Don’t be secretive about it, but do it, and share the accomplishments at a later time. Also, I know it’s not much, and it may sound harsh, but stop being emotional and just be frank. Stay mindful of his attention span, but address the real issues up front ONCE instead of several times. Give him time to fix it. He is not an autistic child.

Subconscious Me:
There’s no point in trying with him, for the kind of guy he is. The guy is very respectful, but his views are too self-centered. When we argue it’s either “Me and You” or “This is what I see for US… This is what I see for YOU… This is what YOU need to see for ME, ” but when it all boils down to it, I don’t know what we genuinely see for one another.

Other Me:
You don’t know, or you’re not going to say it straight forward?

Subconscious Me:
Neither, we just don’t see eye to eye with everything.

Other Me:
Well, what do y’all see then?

Subconscious Me:
I’m not sure because it’s hard for us to agree on anything as it pertains to us. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t do a lot of affection all at once. If the mood is right then, I’ll do it. If not, then I won’t be loving or express things with romance. Instead, I’ll see everything as for what it is and leave it alone. I do what I need to do and go my way. That’s all we can do at this moment because we are not married, and this partnership is still fresh on shaky grounds.

Other Me:
And what about him?

Subconscious Me:
He sees a lot of affection and passion. He sees it as a stereotypical, white picket fence dream where he goes out, plays hard, work hard, come home, and expect me to jump into his arms like I have missed him for more than 3 hours, and call it a day. He sees this relationship as something that is entirely achievable, but being absent minded with the other persons’ emotions. It’s like this guy tries too hard for affection towards a semi-affectionate person, and expects more than initially expected.

Other Me:
So what are you going to do? Will you continue to love him, or officially go your way? Is he worth the fight?

Subconscious Me:
Honestly… I’m not sure, but I’m going to stay because something about either one of us may change. Maybe this time he will see how passionate I am with music, fine arts, writing, and culture. Maybe this time I’ll pay attention to his Ed Sharron obsession, his love for Jamie Foxx, or how in tune he is with WWE (I hate WWE; I have never been a sports fan). Maybe we can talk to one another and not focus on the I’s so much. Instead, we may concentrate on what is needed to be taken care of before we are not in the position to do it anymore, and then have all the fun we want later. Observing our habits and how we may do each other some good just by changing the outcome

Other Me:
And what would happen if y’all were to get into an argument?

Subconscious Me:
It won’t happen. I will do my best to turn those into conversations, analyze the conversation, and then mold it into a solution.

Other Me:
Whatever happened to “we”?

Subconscious Me:
Studying a person doesn’t take much work, let alone two people. Although, I am willing to change to see how he will react. I know it will be challenging within itself, but I do want to see how this mental and emotional play turns out. We might see eye to eye without going at each other’s throats. Then again this little thing may blow up, and we would never speak again. Only time will tell, and I doubt God will give me the foreshadow of our ending to a new beginning.

***To Be Continued***


Voicing What You See

I was hoping today would be easy for me.
I was hoping that he would hear the little things and understand where I am coming from.
I was hoping that he would use a bit of sense every now and then.
I was hoping that by now we cannot keep doing this.

It’s the little things that he does that I cannot stand.
It’s the little things like constantly licking me in random places and thinking it is okay.
I hate spit… But you keep disrespecting me and lick me anyway.
Plenty of times it is not out of pleasure, only sheer annoyance and irritation.
I hate it when I’m trying to talk to you, but you don’t listen.
I cannot stand that the only source of communication with you isn’t active right now, probably because of an excuse.

It has been a little over two months now.
It is about time that you have your things turned back on by now.
It is about time, or are you going to tell me to not worry about that as well?

There’s so much dislike, and it’s frustrating for me to enjoy any ounce of like with what we do because you won’t hear me.
You won’t listen to what is being said in between the lines.
You won’t understand what is being yelled towards you unless I threaten to leave and never see you again.

The day I stop trying to go away will probably be the day where I will be six feet under, or we come to a mutual understanding.

For now, I am by myself, and I will forever be by myself unless something changes. However, I refuse to change myself, and you stay the same (acting all glorified and bragging to anyone you see “claiming” that you have single handily done that). I refuse that because why should I change, and you stay the same?

Probably I’m over thinking things.
Probably it is no big deal.
But I need to see the proof first.