Tapping Into My Roots Again

Today is not a good day right now for me.

I met someone yesterday, but I’m not too fond of trying to pursue another relationship. He mentioned all of these promises to me, from “being a real gentleman instead of a nigga” to “I really want to get to know you, all of you” to “you may be the one for me”. Sweetheart, I’m very sorry, but I cannot mean that much to you and we have only met twice.

Granted I’ll let you pass since you are a manager at your job. Although everything may seem nice and on time so to speak, what are your true motives? In addition to that, do you know what I’m currently dealing with right now?

I’m pregnant (until I go take the pregnancy test, we don’t necessarily know for sure) so us thinking we’ll go over more than first/second base will not happen. Secondly, I’m still dealing with damaged emotions and physical pain. It’s challenging for me to have a full heart of happiness when I am constantly reminded about how bad my (soon to be) ex treated me. He says that he loves me, however is that seriously true? Does he mean it, or is it just bull shit hitting my mind?

Look, this new guy don’t know me from atom, just like him not knowing me like I’m some foregin object. My soon to be is about to go to jail, for I don’t know how long, I’m hurting pretty bad right now to the point where I don’t know who else I should seriously turn to, and aside from this pregnancy, I don’t know if this job is for me.

I suck at teaching children.

I absolutely suck at it! They won’t love me at all! I’m too bossy.

Alas, I refuse to fully make this blog post a pity post, so here goes some subtle advice that my tarot card app drawn up for me. Everyday, I have a daily tarot card drawn, and so far it’s a 10 out of 10 when I read the description. I use an app called Galaxy Tarot, and for me I managed to learn everything I wanted to learn at my own pace.

***Read at your own discretion, and if it applies to you or someone that you know then feel free to use such given advice***

Side Note: I strongly believe this app is personally made for people like myself who needs it most. Of course it’ll never replace the Holy Bible for me, but goodness 90% of the time the information is spot on as it pertains to my life. I will post the link down below.

Resources: Galaxy Tarot App (Google Play)

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Finding Happiness Part 2

I feel un-comprehensive today. This whole weekend panned out into events that had caught me off guard. From fighting my (not so current) boyfriend to yelling and screaming at my closest and only friends over little things, to just stressing out about a potential baby that I am probably carrying. Honestly, I want to go back in time and stop everything from happening. Though craving such ability to mess around with time, I would still regret it since I may not have gotten the job in my dream profession, or build a beautiful relationship with people that I didn’t know that would stick by my side through thick and thicker.

So far my life hasn’t started thinning itself out for me.

Now the question I am currently facing is the same issue I have been asking myself since day one after my high school graduation:

What the hell am I going to do next?

I have a child that needs me, a car that needs me, a gas tank that needs my $20 every other five days, and a soul that is yearning for natural healing. Every time I start to do something on my own, life, cameras, the action happens.

Deep down I want to be happy. I want to love, to cry and not feel judged, go places and enjoy being myself without a care in the world, and let my heart soar. My biggest dream is to become a DCA (Drum Corp Associates) and a DCI (Drum Corp International) instructor and motivate my students to perform as if their lives depend on it. My band belief is to play your music like you are leaving behind a precious legacy for the future generations. I want people to relate to how much music means to me through performance, confidence, compliments, and mistakes.

I am tired of not moving forward with music. I am sick of just sitting here at home and not do anything, or visit my friends and feel as though I am not moving anywhere. Patience is key, but I need something to put at the tips of my fingers so I can stay busy. You know, I hope all of this writing pays off in the long run. I hope that I can finally fix what is slowly falling apart before time runs out. At the same time, I do believe that some things may actually change for the good instead of the worst. Who knows, right?

For further explanation on DCA and DCI, please read the provided links below. I do not own any rights to the information that is provided, and give full credit to those who have done all the research!

  1. About Drum Corps Associates
  2. Quick Summary of DCA
  3. About Drum Corps International
  4. About DCI (Parents)
  5. DCA vs. DCI (Main Difference)

Trouble Finding Happiness (Part 1)

Subconscious Me:
I’m tired of fighting.
I’m tired of being expressive when I feel like I can’t win with anything I touch.
God, I am fed up with the people you have placed in my life.
I don’t know what more I can say about this guy, claiming of wanting to be in my life and making an impressive difference.
Don’t get me wrong, that man is not all that good.
He is quite terrible with a delicious taste in food. However, I don’t know if I should still bend over backward and help him change to be better.

Other Me:
Okay, well before you throw in the towel, what good have they done for you so far?

Subconscious Me:
As far as I know of… As far as I know of, he helped me gain a voice. He feeds me food, and if it is not about anything emotional, he makes me laugh. Kind of like having that temporary high that people would get when taking hallucinations or smoke a lot of unhealthy things. He is my temporary high, and I like it. It’s just the fall is what I don’t like.

Other Me:
Describe the fall.

Subconscious Me:
The fall is terrible. Reality comes back and hurts me all over again. Being the kind of individual I am, always being challenged as a woman, the fall is not a sweet experience that people imagine it to be. Sometimes I wish I could fall less, so I can stand up for myself more without being aggressive, or viewed as unstable. Every day I feel like he doesn’t see the mental pain I’m going through, or hear how hard it is for me to voice anything. I know my words are not perfect, but I’m very sad since I’m still searching for happiness…. And now being pregnant is adding extra stress to me. I don’t know if I should give this child away or if I should continue to fight.

Other Me:
Don’t punish the child for your unhappiness, firstly. Secondly, he probably does understand you, but do you know yourself? The reason why I mention such a trivial question because you focus too much on what’s inside of your head, rather than the outcomes of your actions. Now granted, he can do a lot better as it pertains to being sensitive and intuitive with your emotions and how to handle it properly. It doesn’t help to call someone an asshole, but demand similar respect when the shoe is on the other foot. However, be the bigger person and stop catering to his wants. Instead, focus on what is needed to be handled and leave everything alone. Some things do not need to be mention until after the fact.
For example, he understands that you are starting school soon. And eventually, he will have to comply with your schedule, just as much as you would to his. Don’t tell him extra information that is not needed. He has already made it clear before to do what you need to do. Take his advice and do it. Don’t be secretive about it, but do it, and share the accomplishments at a later time. Also, I know it’s not much, and it may sound harsh, but stop being emotional and just be frank. Stay mindful of his attention span, but address the real issues up front ONCE instead of several times. Give him time to fix it. He is not an autistic child.

Subconscious Me:
There’s no point in trying with him, for the kind of guy he is. The guy is very respectful, but his views are too self-centered. When we argue it’s either “Me and You” or “This is what I see for US… This is what I see for YOU… This is what YOU need to see for ME, ” but when it all boils down to it, I don’t know what we genuinely see for one another.

Other Me:
You don’t know, or you’re not going to say it straight forward?

Subconscious Me:
Neither, we just don’t see eye to eye with everything.

Other Me:
Well, what do y’all see then?

Subconscious Me:
I’m not sure because it’s hard for us to agree on anything as it pertains to us. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t do a lot of affection all at once. If the mood is right then, I’ll do it. If not, then I won’t be loving or express things with romance. Instead, I’ll see everything as for what it is and leave it alone. I do what I need to do and go my way. That’s all we can do at this moment because we are not married, and this partnership is still fresh on shaky grounds.

Other Me:
And what about him?

Subconscious Me:
He sees a lot of affection and passion. He sees it as a stereotypical, white picket fence dream where he goes out, plays hard, work hard, come home, and expect me to jump into his arms like I have missed him for more than 3 hours, and call it a day. He sees this relationship as something that is entirely achievable, but being absent minded with the other persons’ emotions. It’s like this guy tries too hard for affection towards a semi-affectionate person, and expects more than initially expected.

Other Me:
So what are you going to do? Will you continue to love him, or officially go your way? Is he worth the fight?

Subconscious Me:
Honestly… I’m not sure, but I’m going to stay because something about either one of us may change. Maybe this time he will see how passionate I am with music, fine arts, writing, and culture. Maybe this time I’ll pay attention to his Ed Sharron obsession, his love for Jamie Foxx, or how in tune he is with WWE (I hate WWE; I have never been a sports fan). Maybe we can talk to one another and not focus on the I’s so much. Instead, we may concentrate on what is needed to be taken care of before we are not in the position to do it anymore, and then have all the fun we want later. Observing our habits and how we may do each other some good just by changing the outcome

Other Me:
And what would happen if y’all were to get into an argument?

Subconscious Me:
It won’t happen. I will do my best to turn those into conversations, analyze the conversation, and then mold it into a solution.

Other Me:
Whatever happened to “we”?

Subconscious Me:
Studying a person doesn’t take much work, let alone two people. Although, I am willing to change to see how he will react. I know it will be challenging within itself, but I do want to see how this mental and emotional play turns out. We might see eye to eye without going at each other’s throats. Then again this little thing may blow up, and we would never speak again. Only time will tell, and I doubt God will give me the foreshadow of our ending to a new beginning.

***To Be Continued***

Voicing What You See

I was hoping today would be easy for me.
I was hoping that he would hear the little things and understand where I am coming from.
I was hoping that he would use a bit of sense every now and then.
I was hoping that by now we cannot keep doing this.

It’s the little things that he does that I cannot stand.
It’s the little things like constantly licking me in random places and thinking it is okay.
I hate spit… But you keep disrespecting me and lick me anyway.
Plenty of times it is not out of pleasure, only sheer annoyance and irritation.
I hate it when I’m trying to talk to you, but you don’t listen.
I cannot stand that the only source of communication with you isn’t active right now, probably because of an excuse.

It has been a little over two months now.
It is about time that you have your things turned back on by now.
It is about time, or are you going to tell me to not worry about that as well?

There’s so much dislike, and it’s frustrating for me to enjoy any ounce of like with what we do because you won’t hear me.
You won’t listen to what is being said in between the lines.
You won’t understand what is being yelled towards you unless I threaten to leave and never see you again.

The day I stop trying to go away will probably be the day where I will be six feet under, or we come to a mutual understanding.

For now, I am by myself, and I will forever be by myself unless something changes. However, I refuse to change myself, and you stay the same (acting all glorified and bragging to anyone you see “claiming” that you have single handily done that). I refuse that because why should I change, and you stay the same?

Probably I’m over thinking things.
Probably it is no big deal.
But I need to see the proof first.

Continuation of Life

It has been a long time since I have actually sat down and released what was trapped in my mind. So much changed about me, how I carried myself, and who I fell in and out of love with. To add on to my unknown adventures, I have gained a whole lot of new experiences through those that’ve hurt me emotionally, mentally, or verbally. One thing I will say I refuse to let those memories haunt me, taunting me to go left, or finding myself revert back into an unfulfilling routine.

My advice:

Stay true to yourself. You know what you love, so go after it. There will come a time where you feel like nothing’s going your way, or it is taking FOREVER to reach a goal. Trust me, it is totally normal because I can be a tad bit impatient if I fail to see any sort of life through my progress.

One thing that helps me, which may help you, is to block out distractions. Easy to say, hard to do, challenging to develop. Yet it is not impossible to achieve since, subconsciously, we have selective hearing and process anything that we choose to see and hear. In different cases, the human mind will already come with a strong sense of focus (or what I would like to call it ‘mental toughness’), so the idea of being distracted won’t ever happen.

To wrap everything into one lovely lump of positivity, continue to be you and be happy. There’s no need to be down, or feel defeated, about the kind of journey you’re having. Not everyone will reach the peak of the mountain at the same time, but eventually, once you get to the top and look down, the view will most likely be the same… Unless you have hair in your face, then your view will be quite hairy!

Staying Updated In the Now!

Congratulations to me!
I have officially made it to the first day of summer as a 21-year-old, that is a confused single parent. Don’t get me wrong, it is expected of me to make some sort of progress in life, even if it doesn’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere exciting yet.

At the moment, everything is quite rocky. I can’t help but look at my surrounds and reevaluate my purpose, my goals, and my own happiness (as it pertains to my daughter and the sort of lifestyle I would want to give to her before she even can structure a proper sentence). Sometimes I would discuss general ideas and emotions to my loving boyfriend, and he would either tell me to “elaborate” on what I am trying to say or quickly change subjects, and I would have to find the answer out for myself.

Mind you, he wouldn’t let me do a lot of things on my own (anymore), but he will give me the space to come up with a logical answer for myself… Or come close to it. For example:

Right now we are in that transitioning phase of being financially challenged, to actually having a goal and wanting to move forward for the sake of our lovely daughters. For the past two and a half months, I was nervous as shit to do anything with him, let alone move out of my comfort zone and actually become established for myself. However, it wasn’t until today when I have personally decided to go back to school for the 5th time and become somebody.

I felt proud making this choice since I didn’t feel pressured or belittled for my decision. Usually, I would turn to my parents, or the few friends I have left, and ask them for their input. However, today was different, because I have shared my personal interest and joy with someone that only wants the best for me. Granted, we don’t see eye to eye for the most part, but his support made me feel like something that I enjoy matters or can help propel me to a brighter future.

Now, eventually, I would have to get a job and work. I would have to find some way to help bring in some sort of income to our little family. For obvious reasons I don’t want us to go without for whatever reason whether if it is food, clothes, or a roof over our heads. Honestly, music is my career calling, my life long passion, my drive every morning after I wake up and kiss my baby girl good morning. Writing is my back up go to because I love to write and express my emotions through the words I use. It will forever amaze me that many will venture towards these two career path choices, but fail to understand the true definition of being an original artist– or in this case having a voice.

I won’t go into full detail this time, but just know that I come from a place where if your passion (typically people call it your “why” in life) will not move you emotionally, spiritually, or even physically then you will constantly do everything you set yourself up for in vain. For now, me going back to school, and watching my boyfriend succeed with anything he does makes me happy. Enviously, I dislike how quickly employers are calling him back like crazy, setting him up with different appointments and interviews with double-digit base pay. Whereas I am stuck with either rejection emails, no call backs, or “thank you for applying for XYZ, we will contact you if your qualifications match our description” once I press submit on an application.

Alas, I cannot be too caught up with myself. At the end of the day at least he is making the financial progress and stride he needs to do to support each other as (future) head of household, and his loving daughter(s).

The Progression of Happiness: Knowing Where to Start

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Lately I have been battling series of depression and stress. It is not a fun constantly feeling fatigue and irritation, or just not really wanting to do anything. The lingering odor of failure and distress filled my lungs with every breath I took; wanting to ask my significant other for help is still challenging for me because I don’t want him to feel like every other moment in my day I am simply unhappy.

Well today is different. Today is a new day, which means new ideas, challenges, and motivation. When I woke up this morning I had a great amount of energy flowing through me. I mean, come on, that feeling of wanting to tackle the whole world is extraordinary and rare to experience if your day consists of being at home 24/7.

By taking the advantage of this feeling flowing within me, I decided to release it all through my writing. I have nothing else planned for today, except for a little R & R before my daughter returns home tomorrow, and probably gassing up my car (as if I have somewhere exciting to be) before I land on E. So here I go, typing out my first sentence… and then I immediately delete it. WHAT AM I THINKING?! Seriously, what the hell am I thinking?

Right now my mind is running on E, and I don’t know why. Is it because I have too many ideas flowing in my head? And I too excited to just stick with one idea? Maybe I’m too excited about how the finish product that I forget I need to make the product first. Finding out why I’m having such difficulty to jot down my thoughts is beginning to give me a headache.

Staring at my blank screen, hoping that an interesting idea forms in my brain, I begin to feel stressed and irritated. Totally unacceptable of me to not have a clue on what to write. Even if I am going to save it as a draft and come back to it later I still need something. Lowering my head on the desk I continue to stare at my beautiful blank screen. For several minutes I did have a few neat ideas to write about, but it wouldn’t necessarily mix with the topics I have been brainstorming over for half an hour. Frustrated, I close my eyes and I drift away to sleep.

Sleeping your problems away is such an amazing feeling. My dreams are normally black with no signs of life. It often feels cold and lonely, like walking alone in the freezing rain in the middle of the night. You have nowhere to go, no food in your stomach, and the clothes on your back is completely drenched. Not giving it too much thought, you live day by day on scraps you find in trashcans, or whatever little bit the starving street animals leaves for you.

By travelling alone you become your only friend, your own protection, your own god. No one else around you is willing to extend their helping hand and guide you to a better tomorrow.

Yeah, that’s how I feel right now.

Experiencing loneliness is blissfully comforting. Sometimes I wonder if I feel important to anyone. If so, what sort of relationship, or connection, do I have with them? This may be the only chance I could have to discover this sudden sensation. I want to know if I am the protagonist or the evil villain that dies in the end. You never know, I might run across a familiar face, but a whole ‘nother persona. Sweet to the touch, yet bitter to swallow when the going gets tough.

Figuring out my purpose is a nice feeling. It’s so nice that I may crave more of it. I wonder how much is too much? Regardless, I continue to venture through my mind, to see what other hidden things I may find. Knowing how I take in everything, I might get lucky and find the inspiration to write, even if it’s rubbish to everyone else.