Finding Happiness Part 2

I feel un-comprehensive today. This whole weekend panned out into events that had caught me off guard. From fighting my (not so current) boyfriend to yelling and screaming at my closest and only friends over little things, to just stressing out about a potential baby that I am probably carrying. Honestly, I want to go back in time and stop everything from happening. Though craving such ability to mess around with time, I would still regret it since I may not have gotten the job in my dream profession, or build a beautiful relationship with people that I didn’t know that would stick by my side through thick and thicker.

So far my life hasn’t started thinning itself out for me.

Now the question I am currently facing is the same issue I have been asking myself since day one after my high school graduation:

What the hell am I going to do next?

I have a child that needs me, a car that needs me, a gas tank that needs my $20 every other five days, and a soul that is yearning for natural healing. Every time I start to do something on my own, life, cameras, the action happens.

Deep down I want to be happy. I want to love, to cry and not feel judged, go places and enjoy being myself without a care in the world, and let my heart soar. My biggest dream is to become a DCA (Drum Corp Associates) and a DCI (Drum Corp International) instructor and motivate my students to perform as if their lives depend on it. My band belief is to play your music like you are leaving behind a precious legacy for the future generations. I want people to relate to how much music means to me through performance, confidence, compliments, and mistakes.

I am tired of not moving forward with music. I am sick of just sitting here at home and not do anything, or visit my friends and feel as though I am not moving anywhere. Patience is key, but I need something to put at the tips of my fingers so I can stay busy. You know, I hope all of this writing pays off in the long run. I hope that I can finally fix what is slowly falling apart before time runs out. At the same time, I do believe that some things may actually change for the good instead of the worst. Who knows, right?

For further explanation on DCA and DCI, please read the provided links below. I do not own any rights to the information that is provided, and give full credit to those who have done all the research!

  1. About Drum Corps Associates
  2. Quick Summary of DCA
  3. About Drum Corps International
  4. About DCI (Parents)
  5. DCA vs. DCI (Main Difference)

The Progression of Happiness: Knowing Where to Start

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Lately I have been battling series of depression and stress. It is not a fun constantly feeling fatigue and irritation, or just not really wanting to do anything. The lingering odor of failure and distress filled my lungs with every breath I took; wanting to ask my significant other for help is still challenging for me because I don’t want him to feel like every other moment in my day I am simply unhappy.

Well today is different. Today is a new day, which means new ideas, challenges, and motivation. When I woke up this morning I had a great amount of energy flowing through me. I mean, come on, that feeling of wanting to tackle the whole world is extraordinary and rare to experience if your day consists of being at home 24/7.

By taking the advantage of this feeling flowing within me, I decided to release it all through my writing. I have nothing else planned for today, except for a little R & R before my daughter returns home tomorrow, and probably gassing up my car (as if I have somewhere exciting to be) before I land on E. So here I go, typing out my first sentence… and then I immediately delete it. WHAT AM I THINKING?! Seriously, what the hell am I thinking?

Right now my mind is running on E, and I don’t know why. Is it because I have too many ideas flowing in my head? And I too excited to just stick with one idea? Maybe I’m too excited about how the finish product that I forget I need to make the product first. Finding out why I’m having such difficulty to jot down my thoughts is beginning to give me a headache.

Staring at my blank screen, hoping that an interesting idea forms in my brain, I begin to feel stressed and irritated. Totally unacceptable of me to not have a clue on what to write. Even if I am going to save it as a draft and come back to it later I still need something. Lowering my head on the desk I continue to stare at my beautiful blank screen. For several minutes I did have a few neat ideas to write about, but it wouldn’t necessarily mix with the topics I have been brainstorming over for half an hour. Frustrated, I close my eyes and I drift away to sleep.

Sleeping your problems away is such an amazing feeling. My dreams are normally black with no signs of life. It often feels cold and lonely, like walking alone in the freezing rain in the middle of the night. You have nowhere to go, no food in your stomach, and the clothes on your back is completely drenched. Not giving it too much thought, you live day by day on scraps you find in trashcans, or whatever little bit the starving street animals leaves for you.

By travelling alone you become your only friend, your own protection, your own god. No one else around you is willing to extend their helping hand and guide you to a better tomorrow.

Yeah, that’s how I feel right now.

Experiencing loneliness is blissfully comforting. Sometimes I wonder if I feel important to anyone. If so, what sort of relationship, or connection, do I have with them? This may be the only chance I could have to discover this sudden sensation. I want to know if I am the protagonist or the evil villain that dies in the end. You never know, I might run across a familiar face, but a whole ‘nother persona. Sweet to the touch, yet bitter to swallow when the going gets tough.

Figuring out my purpose is a nice feeling. It’s so nice that I may crave more of it. I wonder how much is too much? Regardless, I continue to venture through my mind, to see what other hidden things I may find. Knowing how I take in everything, I might get lucky and find the inspiration to write, even if it’s rubbish to everyone else.