Finding Happiness Part 2

I feel un-comprehensive today. This whole weekend panned out into events that had caught me off guard. From fighting my (not so current) boyfriend to yelling and screaming at my closest and only friends over little things, to just stressing out about a potential baby that I am probably carrying. Honestly, I want to go back in time and stop everything from happening. Though craving such ability to mess around with time, I would still regret it since I may not have gotten the job in my dream profession, or build a beautiful relationship with people that I didn’t know that would stick by my side through thick and thicker.

So far my life hasn’t started thinning itself out for me.

Now the question I am currently facing is the same issue I have been asking myself since day one after my high school graduation:

What the hell am I going to do next?

I have a child that needs me, a car that needs me, a gas tank that needs my $20 every other five days, and a soul that is yearning for natural healing. Every time I start to do something on my own, life, cameras, the action happens.

Deep down I want to be happy. I want to love, to cry and not feel judged, go places and enjoy being myself without a care in the world, and let my heart soar. My biggest dream is to become a DCA (Drum Corp Associates) and a DCI (Drum Corp International) instructor and motivate my students to perform as if their lives depend on it. My band belief is to play your music like you are leaving behind a precious legacy for the future generations. I want people to relate to how much music means to me through performance, confidence, compliments, and mistakes.

I am tired of not moving forward with music. I am sick of just sitting here at home and not do anything, or visit my friends and feel as though I am not moving anywhere. Patience is key, but I need something to put at the tips of my fingers so I can stay busy. You know, I hope all of this writing pays off in the long run. I hope that I can finally fix what is slowly falling apart before time runs out. At the same time, I do believe that some things may actually change for the good instead of the worst. Who knows, right?

For further explanation on DCA and DCI, please read the provided links below. I do not own any rights to the information that is provided, and give full credit to those who have done all the research!

  1. About Drum Corps Associates
  2. Quick Summary of DCA
  3. About Drum Corps International
  4. About DCI (Parents)
  5. DCA vs. DCI (Main Difference)

Staying Updated In the Now!

Congratulations to me!
I have officially made it to the first day of summer as a 21-year-old, that is a confused single parent. Don’t get me wrong, it is expected of me to make some sort of progress in life, even if it doesn’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere exciting yet.

At the moment, everything is quite rocky. I can’t help but look at my surrounds and reevaluate my purpose, my goals, and my own happiness (as it pertains to my daughter and the sort of lifestyle I would want to give to her before she even can structure a proper sentence). Sometimes I would discuss general ideas and emotions to my loving boyfriend, and he would either tell me to “elaborate” on what I am trying to say or quickly change subjects, and I would have to find the answer out for myself.

Mind you, he wouldn’t let me do a lot of things on my own (anymore), but he will give me the space to come up with a logical answer for myself… Or come close to it. For example:

Right now we are in that transitioning phase of being financially challenged, to actually having a goal and wanting to move forward for the sake of our lovely daughters. For the past two and a half months, I was nervous as shit to do anything with him, let alone move out of my comfort zone and actually become established for myself. However, it wasn’t until today when I have personally decided to go back to school for the 5th time and become somebody.

I felt proud making this choice since I didn’t feel pressured or belittled for my decision. Usually, I would turn to my parents, or the few friends I have left, and ask them for their input. However, today was different, because I have shared my personal interest and joy with someone that only wants the best for me. Granted, we don’t see eye to eye for the most part, but his support made me feel like something that I enjoy matters or can help propel me to a brighter future.

Now, eventually, I would have to get a job and work. I would have to find some way to help bring in some sort of income to our little family. For obvious reasons I don’t want us to go without for whatever reason whether if it is food, clothes, or a roof over our heads. Honestly, music is my career calling, my life long passion, my drive every morning after I wake up and kiss my baby girl good morning. Writing is my back up go to because I love to write and express my emotions through the words I use. It will forever amaze me that many will venture towards these two career path choices, but fail to understand the true definition of being an original artist– or in this case having a voice.

I won’t go into full detail this time, but just know that I come from a place where if your passion (typically people call it your “why” in life) will not move you emotionally, spiritually, or even physically then you will constantly do everything you set yourself up for in vain. For now, me going back to school, and watching my boyfriend succeed with anything he does makes me happy. Enviously, I dislike how quickly employers are calling him back like crazy, setting him up with different appointments and interviews with double-digit base pay. Whereas I am stuck with either rejection emails, no call backs, or “thank you for applying for XYZ, we will contact you if your qualifications match our description” once I press submit on an application.

Alas, I cannot be too caught up with myself. At the end of the day at least he is making the financial progress and stride he needs to do to support each other as (future) head of household, and his loving daughter(s).